Sunday, June 05, 2011

Coming to Terms with Being alive

in 2006 I was standing in a dishtank.

I quit football, I quit college, I quit Melinda, I quit Bernice, I quit every job. I moved out west twice, once to San Diego and failed, because i spent all my money on meth in Mexico. The other time in Oregon where I didn't try to get a full time job.

My best friends Ricky and Nick were gone, one to Columbus, one Santa Fe.

Melinda had a baby.

Bernice had a boyfriend.

I had no friends, except for ones on the Internet.

I decided to not quit anymore.

I made a bucket list in my head.

Realizing I had to do it without parental support. I no longer spoke to my parents, there would be no money from them, there would be no congratulations from them.

It had to be done with no help from them.

I would have to work every week and go to school five days a week full time.

I would have to rebuild myself from scratch.

I could no longer live with my prior instincts.

Sartre told me that existence precedes essence.

I believed him.

I could change as a human if I willed it.

1. My loans were defaulted, so I had to pay them off for nine months in a row before any college in America would allow me to enter it.

2. Go to college and finish it.

3. After college move out west.

4. Get published my a mainstream publisher.

I realize now these are very personal goals. That I am trying to prove something to myself. The thing about proving something to oneself is that other are concerned with you trying to prove things to yourself. They like or dislike for different reasons. Some people might like because you are a quitter.

The second day after I graduated high school I drove to the Grand Canyon to live for the summer, the next sumer I drove to Oregon. One trip my friend Nicky and I drove to Maine and the middle of the night, we were driving, and felt like do something cool, so we drove to Quebec in the middle of the night, not caring about anything in a 1979 Ford Fairlain.

I wonder where that Ford Fairlain is?

I was not afraid of risk.

But after my brother died I became afraid of risk.

I wanted comfort.

I wanted peace.

The anxiety of risk was too much.

But I no longer feel that need for peace.

Several people told me lately, that they could help me get a job in the Cleveland area, and I have given in to weakness, thinking, sounds good.

But I must remain on track.

The course must be followed.

I started working on this four years ago.

Why should I stop now?

8 comments:

Louise said...

Thanks for sharing that. Its very challenging to stay on track.

arock said...

go man go!

Anonymous said...

Maybe I'm not a clever little cunt like you. Maybe I have no fucking idea what the kids want, but man, you just can't write. Are you trying to write badly? I just don't get it man.

Why write this stilted prose? Dude, writing can be rich and good. Has hanging around clever little cunts like Tao Lin made you stupid?

You're one of worse I've ever read. Why any fucker would anybody waste their time reading your horrible writing is unfathomable.

Your bullshit writing reminds me of idiotic movies like Gummo and Kids - absolute garbage.

It's like you're trying to write how you think normal people speak. Listen up you're not doing it - not even close. You're awful.

Good fucking luck.

Anonymous said...

Re:comments above, bitter, angry, jealous, resentful=disregard please. I mean, wtf? why/how can a breathing soul be so negative?

arock said...

but Gummo is awesome

cunning runt

running

Scott Tammaro said...

Just do your thing man. Over time it really does get easier to tune out the haters...

Jonny Ross said...

i like this post.

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