Saturday, April 02, 2011

Five Weeks till Graduation

I have been busy lately with school, the book, still working at a restaurant.

I still I am not sure where I am going to move in July, there are two possible locations but contingency and the gods will to have determine which one I go to.

Which is causing tension.

I have to give a powerpoint presentation at a conference on "High Debt and its Consequences on Government" Tuesday. I recently left my flash drive in a computer and it was stolen. The edited draft with the citations and the powerpoint were on it. I had to redo the powerpoint in a dark depression of hatred and will have to redo the citations and edit it again.

Studying the history of debt and our debt crisis was not good for my mental state. When the federal and state governments cut their budgets this year, it is going to cause around 200,000 to 300,000, maybe more not less people to be laid off. This is will cause a wave of shittiness in America. And all the pay cuts will cause shittiness. What is coming, is bad.

I am on a crazy diet to cure my psoriasis that doesn't allow me to eat pizza, cheeseburgers, Mexican food or kitkats. I also cannot drink alcohol and coffee. These food items make me very happy. Instead I'm eating gluten free cereal and salads.

I have lost 11 pounds in 5 weeks. I'm down to 173, I haven't weighed 173 since 2001. I am emaciated.

The psoriasis is healing on my body. The 'healing crisis' is still going on my scalp which is painful at times.

This is creating tension.

The dynamics the situation has created a feeling in me that I am "lost in my self"

Because I am spending so much time on my needs.

School is all about myself.

Work is all about myself.

The book is all about myself.

The diet is all about myself.

I think this is one the problems of modern America. It makes you very busy with things concerning yourself.

When you do things, that only concern you.

You don't feel part of the world.

When you don't feel part of the world.

You feel isolated.

Alienated.

I think this is why I have been doing interviews lately, to feel part of some social network, the online literary world.

Even though the online literary network is a collection of individuals living in isolation across America, Mexico, England, Canada and Spain.

It is strange, when you actually do something to help or participate in something in real life, it is causes a very real and concrete feeling.

When you help your elderly neighbor snowblow their driveway. You can see your neighbor in person, see the look on their face, you can even smell them, and reach out and shake their hand. It is very real. Concrete.

I hope after I graduate I get a job either with a business where I get to participate in how it works a little, or a job like the Vitamin Shoppe where I can least participate in helping people getting healthier, and by helping them get healthier I'm helping my local community get healthier.

A job where I don't feel so isolated. A life that just doesn't include myself.

47 comments:

giles ruffer said...

you've pretty much summed up the reasons why i'm training to be a nurse.

hope your psoriasis gets better. i don't think i could live without coffee.

Pirooz M. Kalayeh said...

I am excited for your graduation and possible move and job. I am also glad you are healing. Mark told me he has psoriasis too. He said that you and him could talk about what he does and that that might be helpful.

adamabroad said...

Congratulations on being five weeks away from graduation, and good luck figuring out the possible move!

Louise said...

Good luck on moving, it can be the most stressful and exciting thing. Hope you enjoy where you go. Be sweet to yourself…my god going off alcohol, coffee, pizza and meat is enough to create feelings of extreme deprivation, although healing can have its own sweet rewards. I know what you mean about looking in someone’s face when you help them, it’s more real than most emails feel. Good luck with the books, I really enjoyed Best Behavior. Reminds me of the lit scene in San Francisco….attractive, but so many superstars looking over their shoulder. There’s lots of time to try out different jobs, I have had 4 majorly different types/careers, all interesting and useful, sad and joyful in their own ways.

xTx said...

i'd buy you an ice cream but i dont know your favorite flavor.

c nguyen said...

i'd buy you a puppy but i don't know your favorite flavor.

c nguyen said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
c nguyen said...

also congratulations on graduating. hope things become well for you.

sarah spinelli said...

you said it. it does make a person feel isolated. i feel the same way.

viagra online said...

well I think this is so great moments in your life and just take a little time for you

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