keep having feelings

i keep having 'feelings'

i'm reading walden

for like the third time

i remember the first time i read walden

it was under the buckeye tree in my backyard

on a nice sunny summer day

today it rained a lot

i have passed all my classes again

anticlimactic

accomplishment

Bing Crosby is visiting me when I'm sleeping

he sings to me

about children listening to sleigh bells

today i was in math class

and as Sam Pink says, "Feels like practice."

Got the urge to write a book about Christianity

a defence of Christianity

about jesus

suffering jesus

about how it isn't important if he existed or not

but then it just felt odd

i need to get drunk soon

maybe take some adderall

this blog will not help me get a job

have that senior feeling

like i need to get a job

i'm going to apply to teach in south korea

hopefully that works

i'm not sure about leaving the people i care about

realized i only care about people, plants and animals

i don't really care about my clothes, if i am shaved or not, or whats going on.

Since i care about people i care about politics

i think if you care about people

you must care about politics

if you don't care about politics

you might not care about people

you might have a vague attachment to the people you are used to being around

but you don't care about people

but you can care about politics and really hate people

i've seen that

a person in my political science class today said he thought it was really cool that other countries had to listen to America

i thought that was disgusting

it was like Japan

why fuck with japan

they brought us anime

what has your stupid ass brought us

what have you brought us

i feel like criticizing people all the time

i want to say

what have you brought us

what have you done?

I feel like there isn't even a 'group'

maybe it is Hegel's The Absolute

They join The Absolute

I think I understand The Absolute now.

It the system of roles people play to get along in society.

It the Art of Habit

yes

Art of Habit

using the Marxist Materialism

to direct one's existence

one can do this

they can

turn themselves into things using habit

according to wikipedia The Absolute is, "It is sometimes conceived of as the source through which all being emanates"

I think in America it is 'efficiency.'

How are efficient are you?

I don't want efficiency

I want to be brought something

I want your gifts

do you have any gifts

or your latest opinion on the new movies?

the thing that amazes me

and i love so much

are things like

going to arbys and seeing some simple girl who does her make up oddly, with a strange green eye shadow

or an education major wearing tight leggings but at the same time decked out in catholic saint braces and a catholic cross, and gets a tan to go to a baptism.

i like when the old illiterate dishwasher says 'devastating' because it is his catch phrase.

My old neighbor growing up, who used to make these strange wooden duck things he would put in his yard and sell sometimes.

I like these things.

This is why we have governments and militaries and police

so people can do their little things.

This is why we go to work

and follow rules

And respect each other

existential analysis of Runaway movie by Kanye West

Here is video
I'm doing this in real time.

he says we drown our sorrow in the diablo. In the devil.

instead of dealing with out sorrows, we go to the devil, to temptation to take our pain away. The devil is easy. The devil is laziness. instead of working we just buy things to make ourselves feel better.

fire seems to be coming from the sky

"I saw the devil in the Chrysler leberon."

There seems to be a human-bird on the road.

Kanye carries the bird woman away from fire.

A woman comes on the news and talks about shit.

The bird woman comes alive.

Kanye tells her not to watch the news.

The bird woman starts dancing.

More explosions.

A guitar starts playing, sounds a little seventies.

the bird woman plays with animals.

Something primitive is happening. The bird woman.

believe the bird woman is the phoenix

A loud drumming interrupts the serenity.

Sounds like a mixture of African and Native American chants

Then classical european instruments (piano and violins) come in

The phoenix starts dancing

Kanya West synthesizes the melting plot of America

Africa, the native Americans, and europe come alive in one piece.

I believe by starting out with the primitive and bringing in the european influence he is saying the primitive first and then the industrial second

or that the europeans disrupted their beautiful primitive world

but it has made something real

and we must deal with this real

this beautiful now

A child wearing all red comes running, holding a can shooting out red smoke.

a new song starts

About lights

Then michael jackson shows up

This is how people are blinded by the lights

Obsession with celebrity culture

fires return

nothing but terror

celebrity is terror

a fassbinder moment

phoenix plays with cup

sings about christianity

native africans sitting around talking

in strange large room

he keeps mentioning satan

This is America

america cannot decide if they believe in jesus or money

this internal conflict is destroying

a little white girl brings kanye water

a man tells kanye that his girlfriend is a bird

kanye stands up and goes to a piano

the piano sounds horrible

ballet dancers run out

they are mostly white, probably europeans

this old stand up piano is being played while computer generated music is playing with it

sings a song about how he is horrible

songs have consistently about how horrible he is

he says he sent a picture of his dick to a female

i think i've done things like that

i knew it was messed up after

he tells the women to leave him

to tells people to runaway from him

because he is a bad person

it is like woody allen at the beginning of annie hall

he gets on the piano because he wants attention and he will never be able not to want attention

the ballet dancers are beautiful

juxtaposed to his horrible behavior

only piano plays

then weird electronic noises occurs

a guitar of some sort

maybe computer generated

maybe a real guitar played through weird computer program

ballet juxtaposed against a very old medium (ballet.)

A lot of juxtapositions

the guitar sounds like Tom Morello

guitar sounds like it just can't make it

nothing sounds right

all failing apart

the ballet dancers just look beautiful and lovely

a voice speaks but you can't understand what it says

european music comes in again

ballet dancers runaway

africans clap

birds are served

phoenix sees turkey and flips out

loud computer generated music comes on

phoenix flips out

starts screaming

everyone leaves, her screams are too much

everyone leaves kanye

i think this is about katrina

phoenix hangs out with sheep

songs comes on

about blaming

blame game

kanye stands and looks like something, maybe pensive

phoenix asks kanye about statues

kanye says statues are made by people

phoenix says the statues are phoenixes that people have ripped the wings off of

she is talking about death of Socrates, Crucifixion of christ, the murder of marcus cicero,joan of ark, and martin luther king jr and jack kerouac.

new song starts

quiet song

fire again

lots of fire

in this motion picture

kanye wakes up and doesn't know here he is

back in forest

says "lost in world", saying that america has lost its footing.

they are existentially lost

they can't keep their identity together

kanye runs

through the forest

going back to the primitive but keeping on modern clothes

he goes back to the woods, the original america, the east, covered in forest

he speaks to america, " You're my freedom, your my jail,"

"Lost in this plastic life, "

tribal african chanting and drums

preparing you

phoenix is on fire

Kenya runs to nothing

in the end phoenix is on fire

phoenix rises from ashes

after she burns

i think the burning is important

you must burn to be reborn

then the song says, "Run from the lights."

Gill Scott Heron comes at the end and takes it

Gill Scott Heron makes me violent

Gill Scott Heron says, "And America is now blood and tears instead of milk and honey,"

Gill Scott Heron screams at the end "Who will survive in America, who will survive in America, who will survive in America, who will survive in America, who will survive in America."

Hunter S. Thompson said something like about nixon, he was the most terrible version of an american, the worst in the american character.

Kanye west is horrible.

Egotistic, greedy and obsessed with being a celebrity.

But that is america

a culture with no god, no religion, no real morals, not even valuing justice anymore.

Kanye is the outgrowth

he is the seed of america's worst aspects

being kanye west must be strange

you are a black rapper but not raised anywhere near the ghetto, so he is judged by them

many white people judge him just because he is black

he must live in an almost constant of being judged

he knows this

he knows when he enters the room, someone is going to think, "Who does he think he is."

he is probably suffering from the whole DSM-V

Kanye just gives us his honesty

he isn't an intellectual. I've read some of his interviews, he really has no ability to think about the complexity of politics, he is just crazy emotion.

just absurdly honest with this

Niceness

I watched this whole kenya west thing.
it is nice.

i feel it is the emotion, one has, when someone wants to be forgiven and will never receive it. they walk around, the rest of their lives, thinking about the person they want to forgive them. thinking that one day they might come over and say, "It is okay, your punishment is over." but it never comes, they order a pizza and try to feel better.

I don't understand this

According to this article UCLA kids protested tuition hikes but kids who have parents that make less than 80 thousand a year go to school for free?

Nobody in Ohio goes to school for free at all. It doesn't matter how many kids you have.

I feel like maybe I'm missing something.

Does anybody know why they were so mad.

Were these just the kids who have families that make above 80 thousand a year?

The sociology of this is strange.

My Country is a Conceptual Art Project

Look at these two assholes.

Just stare at the photo

Look deep into it

Let it overcome your Being

After awhile you should be lifted into a vacuum

Inside this vacuum

You will live in a constant state of Idle Talk.

Inside the Idle Talk Zone you will know peace

Idle Talk is like nirvana.

You will be extinguished.

reading De Beauvoir after several years of not

made by nic chiarella


haven't really read any sartre, camus and de beauvoir since I've started college.

The other day I was at the book store and found a cheap copy of ethics of ambiguity by De Beauvoir.

As i read it i can feel that same old weird feeling coming back.

That feeling distrust of the adult world

I think to go to college a person has to have a certain amount of faith in the adult world.

That the world you live in is serious.

That things should be taken serious.

When I read existentialism i never feel like taking anything serious

I end up feeling like i just want to sit on the grass and listen to birds sing

and not amount to anything

this probably wasn't the french existentialists intent

their intent was to make me realize my freedom and to do something

I've never figured that out

I feel like existentialism hasn't helped me to live in america

i feel that showing up for time to work and class and doing what i'm told is the only thing that has ever helped me.

I feel like most people just go with this, "doing what you're told" philosophy.

I feel like I can back to my house and pretend that I'm an individual, like in my house, as long as I don't leave it.

But if I leave it, I have to play a role and a nice little game.

has anyone ever written a philosophy about how to utilize your day off and time in your house.

I feel like this would be an honest philosophy about life.

The philosophy would be like

While you in public you have to behave

Life will be easier if you behave

Just behave and do what you are told

then go back to your house and read The Naked Lunch and have violent sex

That philosophy wouldn't be exciting enough

I feel like for philosophy to catch on

it has to be exciting

Nietzsche, marx, hegel, they are all exciting

I feel like a real philosophy wouldn't be exciting

it would be like your dad or mom saying to you, "You should go to work on time. And while you're there try your best. You will get a raise if you do."

I mean that is a really good philosophy

"You should be nice to your girlfriend. Make her laugh, hug her, kiss her, buy her something little every once and awhile. Make sure she knows you love her."

"Clean your car."

What if jesus was like, "You should pick up after yourself. After you make a sandwich, don't leave the mustard on the counter. Put the mustard back in the frig."

It wouldn't have been very exciting if that is what jesus discussed.

maybe life is really exciting

But I don't think for me

I have my little personal moments

but nothing substantial

nothing epic

everyday is a real fight not to lay down.

I have to tell myself, "Noah, you can do this."

I go and do it.

I'm doing it.

For who

For what

I don't know.

Someone could say, "do it for yourself."

I don't know what, "Do it for yourself" means

sounds like a pretty american sentence

is that like

I am hungry, i feel hunger in my belly, i eat

My hair is dirty, I wash my hair

I have skin problems, i apply creams to my body

See the things about these statements, is that they are physical

there are no 'becauses' either

They aren't mental

I feel like I am playing golf

I hit the ball

It goes in a general direction

lands somewhere

sometimes on the fairway

sometimes in the woods

sometimes in a creek

I walk for awhile to the ball

it is very sunny outside

hear a lot of bugs making noises

I don't know what the bugs are

there are so many bugs noises that I am actually engulfed in bug noises

I find my ball

I pick a club

I hit the ball in a general direction again

it lands somewhere, an over-there, but soon if i keep moving my feet, i'll be 'there' where the ball is and then when i am where the ball is i am 'here'

I do it again

Walt Whitman

I had a small copy of Leaves of Grass. I read through it but the book was to small. I feel like the words needed to be bigger.

So I bought a bigger book, it is the size of a bible.

I think it will be like my bible.

I will carry it around in a zipper bag.

Everytime I have a problem I will quote from it.

Everytime something goes right I will quote from it.

I read this poem in the bathroom last night

POETS to come! orators, singers, musicians to come!
Not to-day is to justify me, and answer what I am for;
But you, a new brood, native, athletic, continental, greater than before known,
Arouse! Arouse—for you must justify me—you must answer.

I myself but write one or two indicative words for the future, 5
I but advance a moment, only to wheel and hurry back in the darkness.

I am a man who, sauntering along, without fully stopping, turns a casual look upon you, and then averts his face,
Leaving it to you to prove and define it,
Expecting the main things from you

I WANT TO BE EVEN MORE FREE

I've been reading Kendra Grant Malone and Sam Pink

I feel really inspired when I read Kendra Grant Malone's poems and Sam Pink's stories.

I feel like I want to be more free when I write.

I want to write like ten pages on freckles.

I want to write 30 pages on Constitutional Law.

I want to write many pages on fishing and being of the forest people.

Nothing occures to me to write that will make money.

A bad habit I must accept.

I don't have time to write yet.

I won't graduate till May, then movie things and hopefully South Korea. But the time will come again.

There are more things can be done with words. More things

Good Questions

"Also, do you really truly believe that the hollowing-out of our citizens' tax base, via wars that cost upwards of $8 trillion total and produce no benefits for the populace, not even oilfields, is an inevitable circumstance?"

Yes

According to this website the U.S. uses more oil than any other country in the world by 13 million barrels a day.

It is inevitable that the country that uses the most oil would be the one that attacks the country's with the oil.

The stock market price of oil is lower because of the wars. This is called The Carter Doctrine of Jimmy Carter.

"Do you really believe that this abuse of taxpayer money requires nothing less of a class revolution to address?"

We do not need a class revolution. We have a democracy. If the American people are so unified in a new ideology they can vote one. No one is stopping them from voting in new people. No one is stopping our legislators from making new amendments to the constitution.

We would only need a bloodbath style revolution if it was absolutely impossible.

But just because people are easily manipulated by television and want to spend their days playing video games and watching Wheel of Fortune instead of thinking about politics does not mean we need a revolution.

A lot of people are really happy to sit and watch television and live their little sad lives. They overall don't care they are being taken advantage of.

This is how much our country owes

That's a lot of fucking money.

We need to start paying off our debt.

That's the number one problem.

We need a debt reduction philosophy.

America is no longer in a position to have Ideals.

Our only position now is debt reduction

from the federal government down to me paying back my student loans

every needs to behave and pay their bills.

We need to raise taxes

Closes bases around the world

Probably send a lot of government employees home

I don't know how a class revolution could help solve our debt crisis.

Conspiracy Theories

I recently saw this movie called Fall of the Republic.

It is basically a conspiracy theory driven show about how Super Rich People have taken over the world and have evil plans.

The other day at work someone told me they wouldn't vote because The Illuminati controlled even the local libraries.

I don't disagree with the idea that Super Corporations are no longer helping America and the world, but actually have begun to harm it.

No disagreement.

But I don't think they have a genius plan.

I think that people who want to do things like get Economics and Finance degrees and become stock brokers and CEOs are typically the kind of people that do not concern themselves with empathy.

Think about how we get pushed into job directions.

We are in high school, the sensitive kids get pushed into music, the arts, maybe philosophy, sociology or psychology.

The kids good at math that play WOW get pushed into the sciences like biology, chemistry or Math.

The kids who are good at Math but don't play WOW but spend all their time trying to look good get pushed into business, finance, and economics.

These are pretty generalized but I think if you reflect upon high school you will find some truth to it.

So these people obsessed with looking good and being normal get college degrees and find other people who love looking good having nice things, typical American Psycho shit.

And then they get jobs.

And like all people with jobs.

They want to get paid more.

Everyone wants a raise.

Even nuns probably want new bibles or some shit.

So like all humans they start trying to find ways to make more money.

But the problem is this

What they do involves a lot of money and a lot of people.

But they don't comprehend this

They are concerned about making more money

They probably have student loan debt to pay off

A family

Mortgage payments

These business people like nice stuff you know

And they want the government to behave in a way that allows them to keep their nice stuff and to get more nice stuff

And they only want people around them that like nice stuff too

They don't want artsy empathetic assholes like us around them.

They want other people like them around them.

Hell, we don't want them either.

Maybe humans weren't meant to be in control of such mass sums of money and power.

Maybe we aren't smart enough to handle it.

We could build it

But that doesn't mean we could handle it.

The thing about a conspiracy is that it implies that the people behind are geniuses.

I don't think these people are of any great intelligence.

I don't think they are dumb either.

Just some people trying to make some money. Farmers in 1230 France probably wanted more crops to grow and Jesus wanted more followers. "more" is relative but is always there.

The strange thing about the documentary is that it implies we must take these corporations down.

We must take back America.

The thing about that is

Is that to take down the Oligarchy the United States would have to implode with massive amounts of violence and heart ache.

There would be suffering for years until everything got a NEW NORMAL.

Because the old way is gone.

America's tax base and power comes from the corporate elites.

I don't think many people actually want the corporate world around anymore.

But I think we know that to make them disappear it would take a blood bath, and to basically throw away your life as you know.

Too many people have kids and families they need to take care of.

Too many people have dreams depended upon the current state of affairs.

And currently our government, the wonderful American government is in a state of gridlock not seen since the Civil War.

Both of them fighting for what I don't even know anymore.

The documentary is correct, Obama has hired assholes.

I've seen other documentaries not based on conspiracy theories with actual normal humans in it saying the same things.

I don't know.

I just don't know.

Short history of philosophy

Plato wrote a bunch of plays with some guys talking. The guys would sit around and talk forever about words. They wanted to know what words mean. They wanted to know what virtue, good, bad, honor, courage, love, government meant. People came out of a savage state. And they realized they didn't what the fuck they were talking about. They started looking at each other and saying, “What the fuck are we talking about?” Socrates is the ancient shaman, but instead of doing mystical shit, he said, “What do these words mean we keep using?” Plato created a story about sad people living in a cave staring at shadows. The shadows always win midterm elections.

Aristotle: Aristotle wrote books about every fucking random you can think of. You have to study Aristotle in theater class, poetry class, philosophy class, even physics class, and even in zoology class. Aristotle was bored out of his mind. He sat in a room and just wrote random shit down to give himself something to do. He was a master of writing random shit down and talking endlessly. The reason Saint Thomas Aquinas calls him The Philosopher with a capital T and a capital P is because he is was the first person in human history who was that guy at the party who had a million fucking opinions on everything. You know that guy who has an opinion on the government, an opinion on his favorite peanut butter, if red potatoes are better than brown potatoes, if the Browns are better than the steelers, what does it really mean to be a Browns fan.
I can relate to Aristotle.

My Uncle Marcus Tullius Cicero: My uncle said we should do our duty to the state. His premise was that since the state, the main organ of violence and expensive infrastructure gave us nice things like roads, pell grants, sewer systems and converter boxes we should at least try to pay our taxes and do some volunteer work. And if we do something fucked up like kill somebody we should show respect to what the state has given us and lift our heads up and allow the state to slit our throats. My uncle would have wrote a long book called, Bush's tax cuts should expire, pay your taxes you Patrician assholes.

Saint Augustine: Saint Augustine wrote like 3,000 pages on being a Christian. His major theme was the City of God. The City of God is a place where a person can live and follow their own moral constructs if they think their society is a pile of shit. If Saint Augustine was alive now, he would tell you to shop at Whole Foods and not watch television and give to charities and do volunteer work, maybe have a garden and recycle. Saint Augustine was against dickish behavior.

Saint Thomas Aquinas: Saint Thomas Aquinas said that the laws should guide us into good behavior. Saint Thomas said we should have a tax on corn syrup because Americans are fat and because of original sin because fatty foods are available to Americans will keep making themselves fatter and fatter.

Blaise Pascal: Blaise Pascal said that humans do things for attention. Pascal talks about Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton for over 200 pages getting arrested for attention. Pascal also talked about betting if there is God or not. This seems like a strange bet. If there is God and we pretend we care we go to heaven, if there is no God, we are alone in a sad meaningless universe that has parallel universes. Pascal went to a parallel universe and bet on God there. He won there and did not win here.

Kant: Kant wrote that we do should things out of duty like bring out the garbage and wash the dishes and visit our parents on Christmas. Kant wants you to pay your taxes. Kant wants Bush's Tax Cuts to expire. Kant also made up things called Analytic and Synthetic sentences. An analytic sentence is like “my penis is extended.” The truth is contained in the statement. The sentence, “my penis is awesome” is a synthetic because the truth of the sentence is not contained in the sentence. You would have to fuck me to find out if my penis is awesome. You can't just believe someone when they tell you their penis is awesome. But you can believe them if they tell you their penis is extended. Actually no one will never tell you if their penis is extended because it is a priori knowledge that all penises are extended.

Hegel: Hegel came after Kant. 35% of Hegel's sentence are nonsense using words like The Absolute. I went to the mall the other day, walked into bath and body works and thought, “The Absolute.” Hegel also talks about The Spirit. I cannot figure out if the spirit is consciousness or freedom. According to Hegel Germany had The Spirit, they had so much Spirit they decided to start a war that killed millions of innocent humans. America had The Spirit, the apex of The American Spirit is McDonalds. A bad tasting cheeseburger made from a sad cow in Brazil. Currently China has The Spirit, the apex of China is making every shitty product sold at Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby. I assume The Spirit is when a society starts making money making shitty products that feed off the saddest parts of human nature.

Schopenhauer: Schopenhauer wrote a book about the Will and music. The number one song on the radio right now is Like a G6 by The Far East movement featuring Cateracs and Dev. The song is about getting drunk. The word “slizzard” is in it. The Will of America is like a “slizzard”

Marx and Engels: Marx and Engels wrote a fuckload of books together started at the history of humanity to the end of humanity Their premise was that rich and workers fight all the time. This is called class conflict. This makes sense to everyone. To solve this problem America gave the workers television, sewer systems, electricity and the ability to get loans and credit cards to pretend they were wealthier than they are.

Nietzsche: Nietzsche is god but better because he had a sweet hipster stache. Nietzsche thought if you could reevaluate your morals and come up with your moral system just like Saint Augustine but instead of using the Christian system you could make up your own system. Nietzsche is really good if you like to sit in your bedroom and feel sad about life. Nietzsche complained a lot about religion. Nietzsche wrote a whole book called “Christian Republicans Closed down my Local Porn Store and then they closed down my Local Library because they Refused to pay a .01% tax to Keep it Open.” Nietzsche created the concept of The Ubermensch. After reading Nietzsche for years I've concluded the Ubermensch is a feeling you have when you turn on the television, turn on the radio, go in public and especially when you read youtube comments. You know that feeling of “What the fuck is this shit?” Nietzsche is a good read for anyone who says at least three times a week, “What the fuck is this shit?” Nietzsche will not answer what this shit is, but you will have a friend.

Wittgenstein: Wittgenstein had no reason to live. He was one of the richest people in Europe and had nothing else to do with his time on this planet but obsess over language. Wittgenstein wrote if you say, “The bridge must be 8 feet long or it won't cross the river” makes sense. We can see it, we can test it, it is pretty obvious if a bridge is too short to cross a river. If you say, “John Updike is the greatest writer that has ever fucking lived.” That sentence is not meaningful. There is no way of proving that John Updike is the greatest writer who has ever lived and there are some who would say that he sucked at writing. Wittgenstein also said if tigers could talk we wouldn't understand what they were saying. This means if animals could talk like they do in Disney movies and you said your cat, “Pick up the blue shirt.” The animal would stare at you and respond, “The names of colors mean nothing to me and I don't pick up shirts I roll around in them.”

Kierkegaard: Kierkegaard was in a constant state of anxiety. He would wake up in the morning and think, “I don't wanna get out of this fucking bed.” Eventually he would get out of bed and instead of getting drunk he would write endlessly about random shit. He really should have just gotten drunk. Jack Kerouac and Charles Bukowski are the drunk versions of Kierkegaard.


Heidegger: Heidegger created the day planner. Basically Heidegger said that we are Being, we have these mental projections into the future of where we assume we will be be and be doing or Being, if we think we aren't going to be there, we have anxiety. To reduce this angst and anxiety people should get a really good day planner. Heidegger was bored out of his mind. He really needed the internet.

Richard Rorty: Richard Rorty wrote a book stating that the mind and body are unified. This basically means that if you have a lot of anxiety you will get psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome, vomiting, and headaches. You may swallow pills, smoke things and sniff things to make your brain and body feel better. If you want to test if Rorty was correct, take some adderall.

I sent emails to the aforementioned philosophers showing them my history of philosophers and everyone of them replied that I got them wrong.