Saturday, November 06, 2010

Short history of philosophy

Plato wrote a bunch of plays with some guys talking. The guys would sit around and talk forever about words. They wanted to know what words mean. They wanted to know what virtue, good, bad, honor, courage, love, government meant. People came out of a savage state. And they realized they didn't what the fuck they were talking about. They started looking at each other and saying, “What the fuck are we talking about?” Socrates is the ancient shaman, but instead of doing mystical shit, he said, “What do these words mean we keep using?” Plato created a story about sad people living in a cave staring at shadows. The shadows always win midterm elections.

Aristotle: Aristotle wrote books about every fucking random you can think of. You have to study Aristotle in theater class, poetry class, philosophy class, even physics class, and even in zoology class. Aristotle was bored out of his mind. He sat in a room and just wrote random shit down to give himself something to do. He was a master of writing random shit down and talking endlessly. The reason Saint Thomas Aquinas calls him The Philosopher with a capital T and a capital P is because he is was the first person in human history who was that guy at the party who had a million fucking opinions on everything. You know that guy who has an opinion on the government, an opinion on his favorite peanut butter, if red potatoes are better than brown potatoes, if the Browns are better than the steelers, what does it really mean to be a Browns fan.
I can relate to Aristotle.

My Uncle Marcus Tullius Cicero: My uncle said we should do our duty to the state. His premise was that since the state, the main organ of violence and expensive infrastructure gave us nice things like roads, pell grants, sewer systems and converter boxes we should at least try to pay our taxes and do some volunteer work. And if we do something fucked up like kill somebody we should show respect to what the state has given us and lift our heads up and allow the state to slit our throats. My uncle would have wrote a long book called, Bush's tax cuts should expire, pay your taxes you Patrician assholes.

Saint Augustine: Saint Augustine wrote like 3,000 pages on being a Christian. His major theme was the City of God. The City of God is a place where a person can live and follow their own moral constructs if they think their society is a pile of shit. If Saint Augustine was alive now, he would tell you to shop at Whole Foods and not watch television and give to charities and do volunteer work, maybe have a garden and recycle. Saint Augustine was against dickish behavior.

Saint Thomas Aquinas: Saint Thomas Aquinas said that the laws should guide us into good behavior. Saint Thomas said we should have a tax on corn syrup because Americans are fat and because of original sin because fatty foods are available to Americans will keep making themselves fatter and fatter.

Blaise Pascal: Blaise Pascal said that humans do things for attention. Pascal talks about Lindsey Lohan and Paris Hilton for over 200 pages getting arrested for attention. Pascal also talked about betting if there is God or not. This seems like a strange bet. If there is God and we pretend we care we go to heaven, if there is no God, we are alone in a sad meaningless universe that has parallel universes. Pascal went to a parallel universe and bet on God there. He won there and did not win here.

Kant: Kant wrote that we do should things out of duty like bring out the garbage and wash the dishes and visit our parents on Christmas. Kant wants you to pay your taxes. Kant wants Bush's Tax Cuts to expire. Kant also made up things called Analytic and Synthetic sentences. An analytic sentence is like “my penis is extended.” The truth is contained in the statement. The sentence, “my penis is awesome” is a synthetic because the truth of the sentence is not contained in the sentence. You would have to fuck me to find out if my penis is awesome. You can't just believe someone when they tell you their penis is awesome. But you can believe them if they tell you their penis is extended. Actually no one will never tell you if their penis is extended because it is a priori knowledge that all penises are extended.

Hegel: Hegel came after Kant. 35% of Hegel's sentence are nonsense using words like The Absolute. I went to the mall the other day, walked into bath and body works and thought, “The Absolute.” Hegel also talks about The Spirit. I cannot figure out if the spirit is consciousness or freedom. According to Hegel Germany had The Spirit, they had so much Spirit they decided to start a war that killed millions of innocent humans. America had The Spirit, the apex of The American Spirit is McDonalds. A bad tasting cheeseburger made from a sad cow in Brazil. Currently China has The Spirit, the apex of China is making every shitty product sold at Wal-Mart and Hobby Lobby. I assume The Spirit is when a society starts making money making shitty products that feed off the saddest parts of human nature.

Schopenhauer: Schopenhauer wrote a book about the Will and music. The number one song on the radio right now is Like a G6 by The Far East movement featuring Cateracs and Dev. The song is about getting drunk. The word “slizzard” is in it. The Will of America is like a “slizzard”

Marx and Engels: Marx and Engels wrote a fuckload of books together started at the history of humanity to the end of humanity Their premise was that rich and workers fight all the time. This is called class conflict. This makes sense to everyone. To solve this problem America gave the workers television, sewer systems, electricity and the ability to get loans and credit cards to pretend they were wealthier than they are.

Nietzsche: Nietzsche is god but better because he had a sweet hipster stache. Nietzsche thought if you could reevaluate your morals and come up with your moral system just like Saint Augustine but instead of using the Christian system you could make up your own system. Nietzsche is really good if you like to sit in your bedroom and feel sad about life. Nietzsche complained a lot about religion. Nietzsche wrote a whole book called “Christian Republicans Closed down my Local Porn Store and then they closed down my Local Library because they Refused to pay a .01% tax to Keep it Open.” Nietzsche created the concept of The Ubermensch. After reading Nietzsche for years I've concluded the Ubermensch is a feeling you have when you turn on the television, turn on the radio, go in public and especially when you read youtube comments. You know that feeling of “What the fuck is this shit?” Nietzsche is a good read for anyone who says at least three times a week, “What the fuck is this shit?” Nietzsche will not answer what this shit is, but you will have a friend.

Wittgenstein: Wittgenstein had no reason to live. He was one of the richest people in Europe and had nothing else to do with his time on this planet but obsess over language. Wittgenstein wrote if you say, “The bridge must be 8 feet long or it won't cross the river” makes sense. We can see it, we can test it, it is pretty obvious if a bridge is too short to cross a river. If you say, “John Updike is the greatest writer that has ever fucking lived.” That sentence is not meaningful. There is no way of proving that John Updike is the greatest writer who has ever lived and there are some who would say that he sucked at writing. Wittgenstein also said if tigers could talk we wouldn't understand what they were saying. This means if animals could talk like they do in Disney movies and you said your cat, “Pick up the blue shirt.” The animal would stare at you and respond, “The names of colors mean nothing to me and I don't pick up shirts I roll around in them.”

Kierkegaard: Kierkegaard was in a constant state of anxiety. He would wake up in the morning and think, “I don't wanna get out of this fucking bed.” Eventually he would get out of bed and instead of getting drunk he would write endlessly about random shit. He really should have just gotten drunk. Jack Kerouac and Charles Bukowski are the drunk versions of Kierkegaard.

Heidegger: Heidegger created the day planner. Basically Heidegger said that we are Being, we have these mental projections into the future of where we assume we will be be and be doing or Being, if we think we aren't going to be there, we have anxiety. To reduce this angst and anxiety people should get a really good day planner. Heidegger was bored out of his mind. He really needed the internet.

Richard Rorty: Richard Rorty wrote a book stating that the mind and body are unified. This basically means that if you have a lot of anxiety you will get psoriasis, irritable bowel syndrome, vomiting, and headaches. You may swallow pills, smoke things and sniff things to make your brain and body feel better. If you want to test if Rorty was correct, take some adderall.

I sent emails to the aforementioned philosophers showing them my history of philosophers and everyone of them replied that I got them wrong.


marshall said...


this is sweet

Ellie said...

They obviously haven't read themselves.

Igor said...

i get it now. thanks for this.

Jacqueline said...

this is really really good.

Ken Baumann said...

Excellent. I laughed a lot.

Thought you might enjoy this:

stephen said...

seems sweet

curt said...

def sweet

Arguing with Idiosyncrasies said...

I laughed really hard at the Kierkegaard paragraph. I enjoyed it.

brittany wallace said...

“The names of colors mean nothing to me and I don't pick up shirts I roll around in them.”

Eric Beeny said...

I liked this a lot...

Jonny Ross said...

"Heidegger was bored out of his mind. He really needed the internet."


Anonymous said...

You're confusing the early Wittgenstein with the latter. Also Rorty was probably the least influential eliminativist. He never even fully endorses it. Paul Churchland is a good eliminativist.

viagra online said...

nice introduction to this problematic theme, do you have more post about philosophy.