reading De Beauvoir after several years of not

made by nic chiarella


haven't really read any sartre, camus and de beauvoir since I've started college.

The other day I was at the book store and found a cheap copy of ethics of ambiguity by De Beauvoir.

As i read it i can feel that same old weird feeling coming back.

That feeling distrust of the adult world

I think to go to college a person has to have a certain amount of faith in the adult world.

That the world you live in is serious.

That things should be taken serious.

When I read existentialism i never feel like taking anything serious

I end up feeling like i just want to sit on the grass and listen to birds sing

and not amount to anything

this probably wasn't the french existentialists intent

their intent was to make me realize my freedom and to do something

I've never figured that out

I feel like existentialism hasn't helped me to live in america

i feel that showing up for time to work and class and doing what i'm told is the only thing that has ever helped me.

I feel like most people just go with this, "doing what you're told" philosophy.

I feel like I can back to my house and pretend that I'm an individual, like in my house, as long as I don't leave it.

But if I leave it, I have to play a role and a nice little game.

has anyone ever written a philosophy about how to utilize your day off and time in your house.

I feel like this would be an honest philosophy about life.

The philosophy would be like

While you in public you have to behave

Life will be easier if you behave

Just behave and do what you are told

then go back to your house and read The Naked Lunch and have violent sex

That philosophy wouldn't be exciting enough

I feel like for philosophy to catch on

it has to be exciting

Nietzsche, marx, hegel, they are all exciting

I feel like a real philosophy wouldn't be exciting

it would be like your dad or mom saying to you, "You should go to work on time. And while you're there try your best. You will get a raise if you do."

I mean that is a really good philosophy

"You should be nice to your girlfriend. Make her laugh, hug her, kiss her, buy her something little every once and awhile. Make sure she knows you love her."

"Clean your car."

What if jesus was like, "You should pick up after yourself. After you make a sandwich, don't leave the mustard on the counter. Put the mustard back in the frig."

It wouldn't have been very exciting if that is what jesus discussed.

maybe life is really exciting

But I don't think for me

I have my little personal moments

but nothing substantial

nothing epic

everyday is a real fight not to lay down.

I have to tell myself, "Noah, you can do this."

I go and do it.

I'm doing it.

For who

For what

I don't know.

Someone could say, "do it for yourself."

I don't know what, "Do it for yourself" means

sounds like a pretty american sentence

is that like

I am hungry, i feel hunger in my belly, i eat

My hair is dirty, I wash my hair

I have skin problems, i apply creams to my body

See the things about these statements, is that they are physical

there are no 'becauses' either

They aren't mental

I feel like I am playing golf

I hit the ball

It goes in a general direction

lands somewhere

sometimes on the fairway

sometimes in the woods

sometimes in a creek

I walk for awhile to the ball

it is very sunny outside

hear a lot of bugs making noises

I don't know what the bugs are

there are so many bugs noises that I am actually engulfed in bug noises

I find my ball

I pick a club

I hit the ball in a general direction again

it lands somewhere, an over-there, but soon if i keep moving my feet, i'll be 'there' where the ball is and then when i am where the ball is i am 'here'

I do it again