Monday, October 04, 2010
Turning 30 This Week
I'm turning 30
This is serious business
I was born in 1980
Time keeps passing
The other day I looked at the filing cabinet with all my writings previous to the human war, mostly high school writings.
There must be a thousand pages of prose and poems.
I was amazed.
I kept looking at things.
It was all bad
But I was like, "It was so easy. To make literary sentences at one point in my life."
here is my 20s in chronological order
20 to 23: wrote and lived in parents. Went to a little college. barely worked and spent time writing and reading novels. Still writing a lot. Really pumped about writing. Got introduced to the beauty of internet lit.
24 to 26: basically worked at strip joints and pizza shops. Basically was 'on the streets' observing strange behavior. Read novels and some philosophy. Writing less and less.
27 to Today: went back to college and have held a steady job. Reading only philosophy and history. I don't think I haven't a story for a year and a half. I tried to write something and I didn't care after 60 pages. I just stopped writing and felt no sense of motivation to continue with it.
So the other day I stared at all those things from high school. And just felt weird.
When I was 27 I decided I wanted to write a political philosophy book. I had no idea what I would write when I started.
my idea was that if I read a bunch of History, philosophy and political thought books I would come up with something.
i tried to give the idea of writing philosophy like three times but I keep going back to it.
it is the only thing that interests me now.
The only thing I want to read.
I currently prefer to read about Tiberius and nothing new and fiction.
The only fiction books i like are the ones people send me, like Sam Pink and scott mcclanahan
I realized that to write philosophy i have to come up with my own epistemology and then i can write a political philosophy book.
I only have two books planned, one on epistemology and one politics.
But I don't think those books will make me famous
Or get me another movie.
That is okay.
Sometimes when i think about philosophy
I can feel my whole body shake
my brain crack or make bass like noise in my head
Sometimes I have philosophical thought
and i just need to lay down
Best Behavior will probably be the last book i write.
If The Human War movie doesn't get my books to a bigger press
I will have six novels published.
I don't think 2 or 3 can even be purchased anymore
The Insurgent, my greatest accomplishment as a human never got any reviews.
It is okay.
I will write anyway.
I will write philosophy and not fiction.
I don't have a doctorate.
And do not plan on getting one.
So I will be probably laughed at.
And it won't matter.
When I turn 30 Sunday
I will have never made above 8.30 an hour
No health care
Driving a 1997 Saturn SL
Sleep on a couch most nights
Never owned a cell phone
or an IPOD
Not even an MP3 player
I have really thrown things away for the sake of literature
I will probably throw my 30s away for the sake of philosophy.