Turning 30 This Week

I'm turning 30

This is serious business

I was born in 1980

Time keeps passing

The other day I looked at the filing cabinet with all my writings previous to the human war, mostly high school writings.

There must be a thousand pages of prose and poems.

I was amazed.

I kept looking at things.

It was all bad

But I was like, "It was so easy. To make literary sentences at one point in my life."

here is my 20s in chronological order

20 to 23: wrote and lived in parents. Went to a little college. barely worked and spent time writing and reading novels. Still writing a lot. Really pumped about writing. Got introduced to the beauty of internet lit.

24 to 26: basically worked at strip joints and pizza shops. Basically was 'on the streets' observing strange behavior. Read novels and some philosophy. Writing less and less.

27 to Today: went back to college and have held a steady job. Reading only philosophy and history. I don't think I haven't a story for a year and a half. I tried to write something and I didn't care after 60 pages. I just stopped writing and felt no sense of motivation to continue with it.

So the other day I stared at all those things from high school. And just felt weird.

When I was 27 I decided I wanted to write a political philosophy book. I had no idea what I would write when I started.

my idea was that if I read a bunch of History, philosophy and political thought books I would come up with something.

i tried to give the idea of writing philosophy like three times but I keep going back to it.

it is the only thing that interests me now.

The only thing I want to read.

I currently prefer to read about Tiberius and nothing new and fiction.

The only fiction books i like are the ones people send me, like Sam Pink and scott mcclanahan

I realized that to write philosophy i have to come up with my own epistemology and then i can write a political philosophy book.

I only have two books planned, one on epistemology and one politics.

But I don't think those books will make me famous

or money.

Or get me another movie.

That is okay.

Sometimes when i think about philosophy

I can feel my whole body shake

my brain crack or make bass like noise in my head

Sometimes I have philosophical thought

a clearing

and i just need to lay down

Best Behavior will probably be the last book i write.

If The Human War movie doesn't get my books to a bigger press

I will have six novels published.

I don't think 2 or 3 can even be purchased anymore

The Insurgent, my greatest accomplishment as a human never got any reviews.

It is okay.

I will write anyway.

I will write philosophy and not fiction.

I don't have a doctorate.

And do not plan on getting one.

So I will be probably laughed at.

And it won't matter.

When I turn 30 Sunday

I will have never made above 8.30 an hour

No 401K

No health care

Driving a 1997 Saturn SL

Sleep on a couch most nights

No kids

no wife

Never owned a cell phone

or an IPOD

Not even an MP3 player

I have really thrown things away for the sake of literature

I will probably throw my 30s away for the sake of philosophy.