Monday, October 04, 2010

Turning 30 This Week


I'm turning 30

This is serious business

I was born in 1980

Time keeps passing

The other day I looked at the filing cabinet with all my writings previous to the human war, mostly high school writings.

There must be a thousand pages of prose and poems.

I was amazed.

I kept looking at things.

It was all bad

But I was like, "It was so easy. To make literary sentences at one point in my life."

here is my 20s in chronological order

20 to 23: wrote and lived in parents. Went to a little college. barely worked and spent time writing and reading novels. Still writing a lot. Really pumped about writing. Got introduced to the beauty of internet lit.

24 to 26: basically worked at strip joints and pizza shops. Basically was 'on the streets' observing strange behavior. Read novels and some philosophy. Writing less and less.

27 to Today: went back to college and have held a steady job. Reading only philosophy and history. I don't think I haven't a story for a year and a half. I tried to write something and I didn't care after 60 pages. I just stopped writing and felt no sense of motivation to continue with it.

So the other day I stared at all those things from high school. And just felt weird.

When I was 27 I decided I wanted to write a political philosophy book. I had no idea what I would write when I started.

my idea was that if I read a bunch of History, philosophy and political thought books I would come up with something.

i tried to give the idea of writing philosophy like three times but I keep going back to it.

it is the only thing that interests me now.

The only thing I want to read.

I currently prefer to read about Tiberius and nothing new and fiction.

The only fiction books i like are the ones people send me, like Sam Pink and scott mcclanahan

I realized that to write philosophy i have to come up with my own epistemology and then i can write a political philosophy book.

I only have two books planned, one on epistemology and one politics.

But I don't think those books will make me famous

or money.

Or get me another movie.

That is okay.

Sometimes when i think about philosophy

I can feel my whole body shake

my brain crack or make bass like noise in my head

Sometimes I have philosophical thought

a clearing

and i just need to lay down

Best Behavior will probably be the last book i write.

If The Human War movie doesn't get my books to a bigger press

I will have six novels published.

I don't think 2 or 3 can even be purchased anymore

The Insurgent, my greatest accomplishment as a human never got any reviews.

It is okay.

I will write anyway.

I will write philosophy and not fiction.

I don't have a doctorate.

And do not plan on getting one.

So I will be probably laughed at.

And it won't matter.

When I turn 30 Sunday

I will have never made above 8.30 an hour

No 401K

No health care

Driving a 1997 Saturn SL

Sleep on a couch most nights

No kids

no wife

Never owned a cell phone

or an IPOD

Not even an MP3 player

I have really thrown things away for the sake of literature

I will probably throw my 30s away for the sake of philosophy.

15 comments:

marshall said...

I don't know you, but I like the idea of someone named Noah Cicero living in Youngstown, Ohio, writing books that no one reads and dying in obscurity. It seems "noble" or something. "Beautiful" and "sad" and "funny." I dunno. You're a real person, though. I shouldn't think things like that about real people. I dunno. I hope you are happy, I guess. I hope everything is okay for you.

marshall said...

Happy birthday, Noah.

Anonymous said...

you should read science, too.

Keith Whitener said...

No mater what you write, I will read it!

A rock said...

Happy Birthday, Noah. I sort of feel similarly in writing music. I studied it for a long time and played music all my life. Once I finished school and turned 25, I sort of stopped. I still think about it all the time, but feel the creep of idleness; I wonder if I will change.

Most of my friends in their 30's tell me something of this sort: "You don't figure out how to live until you're 30." So you may be in luck. Ha!

I feel I will read many more of your words before all is done.

Dude, have a great birthday.

tomkendall said...

this blog post reads like the best poem.

Anonymous said...

it's nice that you're a libra. happy birthday.

i also like the "idea" of you. i almost don't believe that you've never had a cell phone or ipod...

adam said...

Stories inspire critics and philosophers, who in turn write theory, who in turn expand the understanding of artists (according to Arnold).

So keep writing fiction, if you find things you like writing about, because you will be helpful to theory and thought in this way as well.

curt said...

i love all your fiction books. my favorite is best behavior. it's like the manifesto of all the writers i like today. i will be sad if you never wrote fiction again, but i will look forward to your philosophy.

flaschengeist said...

alles gute noah!

mann, philosophie und politics...

RavingNoah said...

Best thing I ever did for myself was just that. Took me forever to connive my way into college. Had a lot of baggage to work through. Philosophy, history, linguistics...these were my choices.

I enjoy your work, Noah...which I came across accidentally last year. The thought of you giving up your thirties to philosophy...how could I not think the prospect of that interesting/exciting. I would be very interested in a Noah Cicero epistemology.

Anonymous said...

Inspired!

This post rocked it.

Happy birthday-- & I hope you write more, whether philosophy, economic theory, literature, whatever.

mukta said...

I read The Nausea and while checking book reviews I stumbled on something that led me to your blog. Some shitty guitar piece which kind of made my day.
That was a couple of years ago. Today I was working with this postcard which has a cartoon of a zombie-eyed dog baring his teeth, and I remembered your blog!

I like the spaces between the lines in this post. Must read your book. Happy birthday.

herocious said...

Happiness.

Anonymous said...

are you on AAAARG? it's helpful.