I was sitting at the computer the other day
it was night
I was drinking water from a bottle
I said to someone, "I missed my chance to kill myself. I should have killed myself right after my brother did, I wasn't talking to my family anymore, you and your family would have only known me for a year. We didn't have that many memories together. You would have got over it easily. I didn't teach your nephews how to fish and shoot pellet guns. I never fixed any house related things with your father. I could have legitmately killed myself, people would have said, 'Oh, Noah, his family wasn't good and he couldn't stand facing life without his brother and family.' It would have been simple. Of course people would have talked shit, they always do.
But I missed my chance.
Now I have to wait for my next chance."