FALL DEPRESSION TIME

Fall is a great time to be depressed

the weather gets cooler

no more swimming, no more beer drinking around camp fires

the sex is done under covers

you put on those sweaters that have been waiting for you all summer

you go to your old sweaters

and say, 'Lets be depressed, forlorn, desolate, and melancholic together.'

Your sweaters respond, "Yes, please."

You put on your favorite sweater

you've been missing so much

you notice a few small holes

but you're only going to the gas station

you put on some sad music

sit there for a little

getting yourself pumped up

then you walk outside

the cool fall wind hits your face

then you see a leaf covered orange

the sunflowers from the gardens are tipping over

the corn has been picked

the apples have fallen to the ground

the kids have disappeared from the streets

the heat kicks on

and just feel sad

Notes on first day of school

note 1: didn't get loan money on time, have to borrow from friend, embarrassing and dishonorable.

note 2: fucked up taking spanish class, clicked on mon and wed, not tu and th, missed first class. wrote the professor politely explaining why i missed class. She wrote back, "Beware of absences and excuses" in a sinister tone of narrative voice. I'm scared of this class. It happens every semester, 3 of my teachers will be cool and then there's one, that's really intense.

note 3: been to one class, a hot girl with giant italian girl hair sat next to me.(she didn't sit next to me, she sat down in a seat near me,she didn't actualy sit next to me) I looked at her curly hair and thought, "I want to stick my dick in your hair." Then I thought about attractive people. I never compliment them, endowments are arbitrary, every time i see an attractive girl and feel like saying, "I want to know personally all of your orifices." I find an overweight girl with bad skin, and tell her she has a nice shirt.

note 4: in a computer lab, listening to amanda palmer on head phones. everyone looks lame, probably like 3 of these assholes will graduate college. Half of them will drop out by the end of the semester. A girl just walked by with a nice butt. There is another girl with a really ugly purse, it is like blue with stupid white flowers. Oh, I hate her purse.

note 5. I've shit twice this morning, wiping my ass with hard toilet paper.

note 6: to blog sloth, I got the grossman book. I'm enjoying it.

note 7: haven't read any fiction or nonfiction in days, been reading books on spanish, been spending like 2 to 3 hours with spanish a day.

note 8: I don't know why any of these people exist that are in the computer lab with me. I'm looking at them and they must have their reasons. But I'm not sure if a person personal reason for existing, is that really a reason. Isn't it like they are actually conceptual art then. Like if someone is totally not vital to anything, they mean nothing to no one but themselves on any real level, are they like a cristo art project, a bunch of meaningless orange flags doing nothing but flapping.

note 9: I'm really obsessed with cristo's orange flags, like every year, my thoughts on cristo's orange flags get stranger, more dense, intricate, and perplexing. i want to talk to cristo, does anybody have his phone number or email.

I don't like the human species like this

I don't mind the species

the existence of

yaks or black widow spiders

but I don't want to go to a work meeting at 9 in the morning with 100 of them

I have no problem with black widow spiders existing but I don't want one near me

I don't want to work with them

But I shouldn't go that far

I do like some people

And I don't like any black widow spiders on a personal basis

I don't know about yaks

I know I don't want a yak in my house

like if there was a yak outside

and someone was like, "Bring the yak inside."

I would be like, "Fuck no, that yak stays outside."

I assume the yak would make a mess and that's why I wouldn't allow it in my house.

But there are people at work and probably many more people I do not know

that drink coffee, finish their coffee and leave it on the counter. They know if they do not bring the coffee to the dishtank, Noah will have to do it. But they don't care.

I've seen people drop ramekins on the floor, and just kick them under the table when they think I'm not looking.

So those people, that can't clean up after themselves I don't want in my house, just like I don't want yaks in my house.

People can be like Black Widow Spiders also, they can talk a lot about stupid shit that doesn't matter which causes a person to retreat into themselves, causing some kind of strange death, but you're not dead, so you have to keep feeding yourself, and you need money to do that, so you go to work, which makes things worse. But you don't want to be at your house, because that is lame and boring and can get even more frustrating. At least a Black Widow Spider does not talk you to death.

I'm not even concerned with death anymore though:

That is the least of my problems.

Probably 'how' it comes about is the real worry.

Humans always want to live though

they feel it is important

people will lose their legs and arms and ears and even noses and 'feel' the need to live.

I once saw a guy with no nose at giant eagle at 2 in the morning, that man wants to go on.

I know a woman who takes care of a man who hasn't walked in 20 years, the guy doesn't leave his apartment. He watches television all day. He does nothing. He keeps living.

I know a woman who can walk and was in perfectly good health for her entire life. She has spent the last 25 years sitting in a chair watching television. She only stood on her legs and walked for about 20 minutes everyday. Her feet have bad circulation and she has diabetes all caused by this chosen behavior. She keeps living. Keeps right on keeping on.

People always say, "If this happened, I would die or kill myself."

But they usually never do

I have no idea what makes people to want to keep living.

When a writer commits suicide

It is different when a writer commits suicide

as opposed to a carpenter

No says, "The carpentry drove him to madness."

No

People are like

His daughter died and his wife left him

And he couldn't take the pain

When a writer kills him or herself it somehow links them to the great history of suicidal writers

it is somehow very cool

my theory on why writers kill themselves

is that they keep writing in different voices

in different types of language

you may say they only writer in one language

but there are different narrative voices

people use narrative voices

eveyone has a narrative voice

in the crackhead

or the mean ambulance chasing lawyer

but a writer

may lose their

internal voice

the one that keeps

their brain together

that keeps reality

solidified

I keep thinking or realizing or knowing that if someone gave me a loaded gun and left me in a small room for no longer than two days

i could finish the job

i would shoot myself in the side of the head

in the brain

because i think my brain is where all the problems are coming from

not my legs or arms or hands

my legs, arms, and hands are fine

they are pretty good

i have no problem with my left hand

or the hair on my knee caps

so i wouldn't shoot those

But then I think

I have to still like things about life

so what are those things

there must be things that should make me want to live

because to commit suicide is saying that I don't want to live

for anything

that i don't even enjoy ice cream anymore

what if i don't enjoy ice cream

what if the narrative voice in my head

won't allow me to enjoy ice cream

but ice ceam is only pleasure

what if a person is so overwhelmed with fear and want of order

that they can't have pleasure anymore

what if these things happen

it isn't even like i want to lay down

i'm passed that stage of depression

that is what young people do

i've done it

now it is like

i want to work

like ten hours a day

be like a workaholic or something

working away

i don't care what it is

maybe not a factory

i've never liked factories

but some other shitty thing

but i don't want a lot of people around

they've really begun to drive me nuts

really crazy with their stupid shit

It is like I'm constantly overwhelmed by the present

there it is

the objects, the now, everything talking place

observing

hearing

other people have the knack of turning it off or not noticing it all

Hi

I don't know what is wrong with me.

Currently I'm working on Spanish
and that is all I plan on doing.

If you feel like reading any Noah Cicero

just go to the sidebar.

Blue Collar Boy is really long.

That will take up lots of time.

Me and Politics

Someone asked me if I was a communist?

I'm going to answer that question

this way

I think a person must recognize no matter what country they live what their political status is:

I as an American am a voter.

I am a person that gets to vote once a year on issues like school taxes, if there should be casinos in my county and public office.

I like voting for those things.

I am not a union member or someone who aspires to public office. I don't ever want to hold public office. I don't want ever to campaign.

Which means there must be other people who do it for me.

The people who run for political office are not chosen by the people, those who want to run put in their name and then the people choose amongst the names.

So we have to assume that the people who put their name in, want political office. Which means they are people that like power, being authority, and don't mind being a dick to get where they want to be be.

I assume that all people who run for political office have that mentality.

I also assume that people who become stock brokers and hedge funders are self-absorbed fucks.

Because those jobs attract those people.

I accept that.

And I still vote for them.

Because I don't want to be a politician.

And that's the deal I've made with reality.

So I believe in democracy.

*

Now as a voter who has no intention of running for public office, my votes depend on what doesn't bother and what does bother me.

I'm bothered by Republicans being racist, homophobic, always voting for corporations, and caring so much about abortion.

I'm not even sure if I care about the Iraq War in terms of Republican or Democrat. I don't vote Republican because they never vote with unions and their voices, the talk radio fucks like Limbaugh and Levine are crazy.

I vote demcorat because they don't seem too concerned with Jesus or corporations, well not as much. I don't know why Obama just doesn't leave Afghanistan, I don't know. But I like his health care plan, I like stem cell research. So whatever, that's the deal I've made.

*

Now I have personal beliefs, I would like to see things go a certain way, but that doesn't matter.

I have made this deal with my life, I don't want to hold public office, therefore I have to vote for other people I've never met to make decisions concerning the government.

I would have loved if Obama turned Chevy into a carplant producing little tiny cars for 8,000 dollars. I would love to the nationalize oil and refuse to deal with Oil Corporations. I would to see oil taken off the stock markets of the world, but probably not going down.

I would love to see the government do constant campaigning and commercials telling people not to have babies and the government providing free the tying of the tubes for woman. Women go in, they get their tubes tied for free. All women of all ages.

Because America's three biggest problems, global warming, slow deletion of fossil fuels, and baby boomers sucking up all the social security in retirement are all caused by over population.

I think if there was less people people would feel better about their lives, when I see people you can tell they know there is no reason for them to be there. Nobody is vital to anything. If there are less people then people are more vital, the more people there, the less vital you are.

Like in the old days, you were born to be a the village cobbler or blacksmith or to help family work the farm to keep everyone alive. Your life had a point, a direction, this is why so many people accepted it for like a 1000 years. Now you are born because your parents had sex, and there is no reason for you to exist whatsoever. You are not vital. All I see all day are people that are not vital.

There is this thing in America, that you are supposed to do things for yourself. I don't know what that means, 'do something for yourself.' The thing the very people who say that believe in existence precedes essence, which means you can't really do things for yourself. Because you have no 'real self'. And at the same time people who say, 'do it for yourself.' Also say, 'dont' be selfish, participate in society and family life.' Also if you don't believe in existence precedes essence you believe that you have a genetic self, but that sucks also, 'do it for your genetic self.' Philosophers that have said 'do it for yourself' have all been upper class philosophers Montaigne, Pessoa, Nietzsche living lives not vital to anyone. They had to do it for themselves, because their lives weren't vital, there wasn't anyone else to do it for. None of them, ever got married or had children, they had no one to live for or be vital for.

And think about how great life would be if we had the same exact technology but had to share amongst 1 billion instead of 7 billion.

I don't endorse mass murder or anything. Just that, everyone fucks less.

CORRECTION:

Montaigne did marry, and all his children died in infancy.

Hi

hi

today i woke up early and went fishing with James and Bug

We went to Mosquito Lake on the causeway

there were few clouds in the sky and the sun shone

James fell between the rocks when he tried to sit down and cut his shins. It cut down so far, it looked blue. I asked him if he wanted me to flick it.

he went in the car and cried for five minutes and came out

he took it like a man

Bug acted normal. He kept scavenging through the litter left by past fishers. He found a lot of hooks. He kept showing me the shit he found.

James sat peacefully on a rock. Once and awhile he would complain about his shins.

It got very hot.

All the other fishers left.

We were alone, it was very quiet.

The sun shined strongly.

It almost seemed like the heat, humidity and intense brightness was making noise, but it wasn't.

Bug caught a good sized bluegill. I was able to pull the hook out of it after several minutes of trying.

James caught a small bluegill. The fish swallowed the hook and I couldn't get that one out. We threw it back. It is probably dead now.

We found a snail dead in its shell.

I shook it and green shit fell out.

It smelled horribly.

We went to Burger King.

Bug tried stealing all of the fries. I punched his hand and said, "The day you turn 18. I'm gonna kick your ass."

He laughed, I was serious.

We went back to grandma's house.

Bug and James mother told me about a deal at Staples involving notebooks.

I sat on the porch sweating with no shirt on smoking a cigarette.

Eventually I went home and laid on my couch listening to Chicken Fried by Zac Brown and reading Montaigne.

I went to sleep.

My friend Nicky called from New Mexico.

He told me he might go to Iraq and teach English and save the world. We talked about 'a happy life' and the 'fortunate death' discussed in Herodotus."

(There is strange thing I remember in late summer. It was an August a long time ago, 92 maybe. No even before that. Because it was for my brother Michael and not me, so around 85 or 86. I was at Neal middle school in Fowler. The thing about Neal Middle School is that it's in the country, surrounded by forest, farm fields, churches and a general store. The school was over a 100 years old. The whole area has always creeped me out. For some reason I was around six and waiting for my brother Michael to finish football practice. I was standing outside the doors with some older kids. It was a nice day, a good temperature. We heard something hit a window. We ran over and saw that a bird was lying there, dying. One of the kids yelled, "The bird hit the window." I looked down at the bird. I didn't touch it. The memory ends there.)

Did the dishes while listening to Pink's 'don't leave me'

I like when she says, "I could be so mean when I wanna be"

I like how Pink uses common vernacular in her songs.

I like when she says, "how did I become so obnoxious"

I said to her, "What if I married your sister and became the father of those children? What if I sat on the porch, listened to Froggy drinking rum and coke doing the right thing? What if I taught those boys to be men? What if I worked 40 hours a week? What if I had a working car with heat? What if I paid all my bills? What if one day I had good credit again? What if I became a man?"

My parents at my age already had two kids. They had the jobs they would work for 30 years. My father worked at Cicero's Market. He didn't even have to look for a job. The job was already there. My mother worked at the Delphi Plant for 33 years. They already had Phillip and Michael. They had a house and were 3 years into their thirty year mortage.

I keep thinking if I read enough of Plato's Socratic Dialogues I'll be able to stand in one place and become one with the universe. I will somehow just become the flow or whatever causes or is the eternal recurrence, I will not have to die. I will be able to just 'become.' But then my boss tells me I need to sweep the floor. Someone notifies me of my skin problems.

Looking to have a long distance relationship with a woman

I need to have another romantic relationship before I die

It has been four years since my last one

It is time to try again

If you would like to have a long distance relationship with me

email me at noah.cicero@gmail.com

I believe we could write wonderful emails to each other

about stuff like

Today I was at work I said to the bread guy I said, "Can you get these potatoes out of the sink." He Replied, "I'm doing the floor." I said, "Can you get these potatoes out of the sink." He replied, "I'm doing the floor, what time do you leave." I said, "When you get these fucking potatoes out of the sink." The prep cook Rich laughed.

I will probably not write philosophical things in emails.

I will write lines like, "I want to put my face on your naked tits and cry."

I'm learning spanish so in a year I may write, "Quiero poner mi cara en sus pechos desnudos y llorar"

You can write lines like, "Today my dad called. He told me his new shoes don't fit as well as he hoped. He might bring them back. My dad is silly with his shoes."

I would like to have this vague hope in our emails

That one day

We may be together

That we could be each other's 'mines'

You could me 'mine'

And I could be your 'mine'

We could watch the movies 500 Days of Summer and Paper Heart together

And feel like

'that's us'

And it would be true

Because we felt it

This is how I am when it comes to sex

I will not pressure you to have butt sex

But I will mention it

I like to eat pussy but prefer if you give me direction on how to eat your pussy. I have the firm belief that all pussies are different. I hope that you do not assume that all penises are the same.

I like to say 'pussy' during sex. I was with a woman that did not enjoy hearing the word 'pussy' during sex. She did not mention what she preferred it to be called.

I like to spend a lot of time touching women. I feel very lonely. Because I am very lonely. Because I'm alone all the time. And because there is a huge discrepancy of what I think and what other people think about the same things. So touching other people means a lot to me. It usually scares them.

I'm going to graduate with an associates this year.

If you want I can move into your bedroom and you can get me a job on at your dad's company that would be fine.

Books about existence and being

To me there are several books that have completely fucked with me

Beckett Waiting for Godot
Sartre Nausea, No Exit
Camus The Stranger, The Myth of Sisyphus
Dostoevsky The Brothers Karamazov, Notes
Pessoa The Book of Disquiet
Grossman Life and Fate
Wright The Outsider
Wittgenstein Tractatus, Philosophical Investigations
Rhys Goodmorning, Midnight
Proust Remembrance of Things Past
The Socratic dialogues of Plato

These books I believe can be heard when listening to Shine on You Crazy Diamond by Pink Floyd

These books

are about

the same thing

existence

being

and existing in time with objects

Rorty in Contingency, Irony and Solidarity makes a good point

books like those aren't anything but redescribing

they aren't about something new

they are people redescribing

the same thing

life as it is

or life when someone is not in war, great poverty, in love, traveling, being attacked by zombies.

I think the power of those books if read in one lifetime

and really studied

I mean read repeatedly

not glossed over, and saying to other people, "I have read so and so book."

But taken the time to study

The vocabularies of those books

the language they use

will slowly

and it takes years make your thoughts different

because it isn't like science

during an era there is just one view of what scientific truth is

but those books all still stand as descriptions of what it means to exist

of what existence is

strangely none of them say, "THIS IS EXISTENCE BLANK"

Wittgenstein, "We feel that even if all possible scientific questions be answered, the problems of life have still not been touched at all. Of course there is then no question left, and just this is the answer."

The Life of Andrew Jackson and Myself

Andrew Jackson works as a courier in the Revolutionary War
refuses to clean the shoes of a british soldier
the British bastard tries to cut his head off with a sword
Andrew Jackson puts his hand up as a shield
gets a scar on his hand and head

They take Andrew Jackson prisoner
he almost starves to death
his mother gets him sent free
Andrew Jackson has small pox or something
Andrew Jackson walks forty miles back home
with a fever
watches his brother die

Noah Cicero scores a touchdown for the Fighting Mustangs

Noah Cicero begins smoking weed

Andrew Jackson teaches himself law
and becomes a lawyer without ever going to a day of school
becomes a Tennessee Representative and senator

Noah Cicero delivered pizzas at Papa John's

Andrew Jackson takes down the Red Sticks
in the humid hell of Alabama
Andrew Jackson takes down The British at
The Battle of New Orleans
with a few shovels and a couple of pirates
gets a sweet song

Noah Cicero grows a small garden
doesn't pay back his discovery card bill
and gets bad credit

Andrew Jackson takes the Seminoles and conquers Florida

Noah Cicero dish washes at a steak house and begins to leave the house less and less

Andrew Jackson becomes president
Closes the bank of the united states
pays off all the national debt
and removes all the indians to the other side of the Mississippi

Noah Cicero just masturbated

Andre Jackson gets on the 20 dollar bill even though he hated paper money

Noah Cicero has a wiki page

Norman Mailer

I have read these books by Norman Mailer

The Naked and the Dead. 1948.
Barbary Shore. 1951.
The Deer Park. 1955.
An American Dream. 1965.

Why Are We in Vietnam? 1967. I tried but I didn't like it.

The Executioner's Song. 1979.

Ancient Evenings. 1983. I tried many times. I've skimmed a lot for fun.

The White Negro. 1957.
Advertisements for Myself. 1959.
The Armies of the Night 1968.
Existential Errands
The Idol and The Octopus

baby boomers and politics, us and politics

Yesterday i was sitting with a woman who is 62 years old.

She said something like, "Noah, Barack Obama is going to bring social harmony, make the world a better place, random sentences from the sixties."

I sat there and didn't say anything.

It had never occurred to me that Barack Obama wanted to do such a thing.

It had never occurred to me except maybe when I was 20 and still living in my parents house, didn't have any bills yet and previous to 9-11 and two wars and economic collapse I had yet some ideas resembling those.

I think that is a major difference between the baby boomers and us,

we don't seem to have any political philosophy except that, "The constitution works because it has no metaphysical basis, and because of that, the laws can flow with history. Fix problems as they arise. Keep offices open to all, equal rights, don't be a racist dick, and cell phones."

Our belief concerning third world countries isn't, "Bring them ideology." But, "Bring them food, electricity, power plants, fresh water, roads, and sewage." Provide those basic necessities and something positive should happen.

It is strange, we don't talk about it, but we have become nihilists, not total nihilists. But we lack metaphysics. We have no concrete core cornerstone belief system. No origin of our beliefs. The Constitution and capitalism have the same basic assumption, let it be created as time flows. The Constitution is better because it has laws and grants rights. As opposed to capitalism which can spiral into total greed madness but it still in my opinion, and might only of this era, but it corresponds with nature, it flows, it doesn't push or pull or force anything, it allows. If there is a product we don't want or hurting the environment then the consumer pushes, history pushes, people push the direction.

Concerning the constitution assholes say things like, "How can we be operating with the same Constitution as 200 years ago."

That is the dumbest fuck statement.

The U.S. Constitution isn't just sitting there, there are thousands of precedents and opinions and standards and dictum that go along with it. That is not the constitution of the founding fathers. The only people that say, "How can we be operating with the same constitution as 200 years ago" are just talking out their ass to sound cool.