Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Shadows of the Form

I'm part of the psychological school that believes or analyzes people in terms that our core personality is formed in the first five years of life: that what the child experiences, sees, hears, feelings, casts a shadow over the rest of their life. That genetics plays no part in behavior or intelligence.

During my childhood my parents didn't sleep in the same bedroom, they didn't talk much, they didn't fight, they lived. my mother made more money than my father and my father did the yard work.

My mother is a crazy bitch, and my father a quiet person.

This is just a form, here is the shadow in my life:

I live with Bernice, we don't sleep in the same room, she makes more money than me, and I don't know if I would feel right if I made more than her.

We talk though and really like each other as opposed to my parents.

We are like sister and brother, both of us wanted an opposite gender sibling when we were little, we finally got it.

But we can't "fall in love", what I mean is that we don't fight and have all kinds of Fassbinder/Ally McBeal drama.

We live together in peace.

I can only really "fall in love" with short women with dark brown curly hair who bitch at me and yell all the time, and call me names like, "Stupid fuck."

While they are calling me "stupid fuck" it is sexually arousing though.

If Bernice who is a tall blond or an Asian or black girl was like, "Noah you are a dumb fuck" I would go home and cry.

My aunt is short with dark brown hair, maybe she did something that affected me in some way before I was five I don't remember.

But this is where it gets fucking weird:

I don't believe I can do anything: I have so little faith in my self that I don't even believe I can be a cook or a bartender, let alone graduate from college.

I don't believe I can do anything.

I believe I can write, because for some reason arts are outside of the collective activities that I can't do.

The arts is outside of it because my parents didn't listen to music or read or give a fuck about the arts, but they did work jobs and work around the house and probably discussed their jobs in my presence when i was little. What was said, what was shown, I'm not sure, I know my father doesn't believe in himself whatsoever, so that could be it.

Now listen to this:

If a short woman with dark brown hair yells at me and calls me a "stupid fuck" I'll do it, I won't think twice about it. When I've dated short women with dark brown hair and they told me to get a better job, I went and got a better job. When they said, "Lets get a place to live and pay rent and everything," I went and did it, filled out the papers and everything. I've done many things just because a short woman with dark brown hair told me to. So I know like I know 1 + 1 is 2, but I don't believe it is 2.

I feel really useless.

I don't like that feeling at all, I think people would rather feel stupid than useless.

For some reason when a short brown haired girl goes, "Noah fucking do this." I feel really useful.

It is like an injection of usefulness.

It is strange, I can see the shadows of the form, how I am working within the shadows, the outlines are there, but I'm working with them choosing.

But I don't think I can change those shadows:

It is like, I don't think men or women are born homosexual, I think everyone learns a certain personality when they are little, and that personality either likes boys or girls. But i think sexuality is more in the percentages: Like I would say I'm 85 percent straight, I don't think anyone is fully 100% straight.

But someone going, "Homosexuals have a choice, they can change."

I don't think a person can exactly reverse a choice that was made before the age of five, a choice made during a period of their life that they can't remember.

WAIT HOLD ON:

Okay, this is it:

Now, all of us aren't attracted to everybody:

There are certain hair colors, facial features that we are sexually indifferent to: there are hair colors, body shapes, facial features that repulse us:

There are certain behaviors, like loudness, excessive talking, being quiet, being violent, overreacting all the time, passive aggressiveness, etc that we might be indifferent to, or might repulse us:

Okay maybe it is this:

During the first five years:

These personality traits and behavior traits line into one physical and mental form, and we go chasing after this shadow for the rest of our lives:

We can work within this form, and this form most likely doesn't bring happiness, but it is the delusion, that we want to fuck and make us feel useful and safe.

Now back to homosexuality: Homosexuals have individual tastes, like straight people they get drunk and get some, but they "fall in love" with a certain type.

Now asking a homosexual to change would be like asking me to not desire short brown haired women anymore,

well I fucking can't:



Evangeline Lilly from the hit television show LOST is a really good example:

To make it weirder though:

I never masturbate to women that look like that:

10 comments:

andrew worthington said...

but some of sexual orientation has to be reliant on genetics. a child who is say 95% gay still could have been given lots of army men and played simple sports with their father and was treated more like a wild male to be tamed rather than a girl who is plays taught to help around the house and do things mothers do.

most boys enter kindergarten at the age of 6 while 5 is the usual age for girls.

dont know what im talking about, but i guess my question is whether a 95% gay male could have been raised as if he was going to be 100 % straight and then i dont know after that o god

Noah Cicero said...

you aren't "raised", a person is "aprenticed."

People don't see what really happens because they are caught up in a fucked up language game.

say you are getting aprenticed to be a carpenter, and you work with the same person for years: and this person does everything all fucked up, or does things weird, or really good, who knows, a million ways to do things: and you learn it by "watching" which would be the key word.

So the child is raised by this macho dad, and this macho dad is too macho and scares the child which makes the child closer to its mother, and the child identifies with the mother to the point the child thinks it is a woman. We have to remember that children don't know their sexuality until around five.

I think, and I didn't know this until recently, until I started seeing my friends have children, that people act fucked up when they first have kids, and do all kinds of crazy shit to make themselves feel normal about the responsiblity of being a parent.

I've known a good amount of people that had their kid, starting freaking out, doing crazy shit, being depressed, doing drugs, and then after several years pass they get used to it and act kind of normal again.

So say a psychologist goes up to the parents and asks them questions, "What do you think happened, how did you raise the child? etc"

The doctor is first going to see normal people sitting there, second the parents aren't going to respond they were freaking out and screaming at each other, and the baby saw daddy punch me in the face, i once screamed, "You're a mother fucker" at it for three hours while breaking everything in front, they aren't going to explain how they were stoners when the kid was born and smoked weed while holding the baby, or who the fuck knows.

Because americans don't like to embarrass themselves, which is the number one reason while America is such a psychological shithole, because no one wants to be honest.

So the only person the psychologist could possibly ask would be a friend there around that time that would be honest about how they behaved.

I don't think anyone is 95% straight or gay, I wouldn't put it above 85%. I've never met a gay man who never had sex with a woman, and I think I've only met one lesbian who never had sex with a man. And I think a good percentage of the people I know under thirty has taken part in homosexality activities of some sort.

Anonymous said...

Noah. You've seen "waiting," right? You're Bishop.

R de B said...

Dang it, mon. You gotta get out of Ohio. Go west mon. It is the cure to all that ails ya.

Noah Cicero said...

I've never seen the movie "waiting"

is it good?

jereme said...

If your idea of sophmoric ball siting his "good".

It isn't anything special.

Andrew,

Am I reading this right? You are saying that if a boy is raised with effiminate qualities then he will turn out to be gay?

I hope that is not what you were trying to express.

That would be silly to me.

Noah,

I believe in the shadow of the form school of thought too.

Some shadows are subtle and others are massive.

Why are you not masturbating to the type of girl you like?

Do you not think you are worthy or something?

I am curious as to why.

Anonymous said...

no i wasnt trying to say that.

i was thinking of stuff ive read about the genetics of homosexuality.

my basic thoughts were something like if a boy who genetically has what scientists have found to be the characteristics of a homosexual has a father who is very traditional and all-american and protestant and looks up to that father and grows ignorant to the fact that he is attracted to males because family and societal influences early in life cause him to think he should only be attracted to the opposite sex.

i agree with alot of what you are saying its just is it possible for someone 50/50 to be largely blind to their physical attraction to the opposite sex for a good deal of their life because of events in those pivotal early years?

because i have known of my sexual attraction to women since i was about 8 or 9, which I guess was a bit late and I never have been able to masturbate to women very easily. in high school and now alot more so in college i have been realizing that i do like to look at men and find many males extremely attractive.

i have no idea where all this is going, once again. freud said something like everyone is bisexual. i think thats true, thats what you noah seem to be saying too. so i guess i just dont understand all of this "apprenticed" concepts yet.

Sabra Embury said...

I was in a science class once with a non traditionalist type science teacher discussing homosexual tendencies in lab rats when he brought up crazy research statistics backing up biological predeterminations in humans with evidence in things such as enlarged clitorises and narrower hips in lesbians with higher voices and less body hair for gay men for more effeminate facial features. There are gay animals too. Gay dogs, gay rats. I don't know about cats though. Heterosexual cat sex is supposed to hurt with spurs involved, and biting. There can be no real recreation in that. There are probably lesbian cats because of this actually. If I were a cat I'd be a lesbian. I think this makes me 15% gay.

As far as predeterminations in personalities goes, it's all in how you apply and evaluate I think. Say Billy is aware of his parents and how they were when he was little and the impression they made and what it's done to him, how it's hindered him in the past or benefited him. There are two ways, or probably more irrelevant ways, to apply impressioned idiosyncrasies: as a copout, or as something that needs to be reckoned with, deconstructed and eliminated from a conditioned personality. All of that business is very psychosomatic. Some people can be less diligent and let things lie, or over time eradicate inconvenient bullshit. It's really up to realizing first though, what makes up who we are and asking ourselves Am I happy with this? That's really tough for a lot of people because they 1. lack a real awareness as opposed to the blur of loving the feelings of denial because reality sucks too much and 2. don't know how to apply things where they're not just a jumble of intelligent jargon floating around everywhere in their heads.

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