I'm part of the psychological school that believes or analyzes people in terms that our core personality is formed in the first five years of life: that what the child experiences, sees, hears, feelings, casts a shadow over the rest of their life. That genetics plays no part in behavior or intelligence.
During my childhood my parents didn't sleep in the same bedroom, they didn't talk much, they didn't fight, they lived. my mother made more money than my father and my father did the yard work.
My mother is a crazy bitch, and my father a quiet person.
This is just a form, here is the shadow in my life:
I live with Bernice, we don't sleep in the same room, she makes more money than me, and I don't know if I would feel right if I made more than her.
We talk though and really like each other as opposed to my parents.
We are like sister and brother, both of us wanted an opposite gender sibling when we were little, we finally got it.
But we can't "fall in love", what I mean is that we don't fight and have all kinds of Fassbinder/Ally McBeal drama.
We live together in peace.
I can only really "fall in love" with short women with dark brown curly hair who bitch at me and yell all the time, and call me names like, "Stupid fuck."
While they are calling me "stupid fuck" it is sexually arousing though.
If Bernice who is a tall blond or an Asian or black girl was like, "Noah you are a dumb fuck" I would go home and cry.
My aunt is short with dark brown hair, maybe she did something that affected me in some way before I was five I don't remember.
But this is where it gets fucking weird:
I don't believe I can do anything: I have so little faith in my self that I don't even believe I can be a cook or a bartender, let alone graduate from college.
I don't believe I can do anything.
I believe I can write, because for some reason arts are outside of the collective activities that I can't do.
The arts is outside of it because my parents didn't listen to music or read or give a fuck about the arts, but they did work jobs and work around the house and probably discussed their jobs in my presence when i was little. What was said, what was shown, I'm not sure, I know my father doesn't believe in himself whatsoever, so that could be it.
Now listen to this:
If a short woman with dark brown hair yells at me and calls me a "stupid fuck" I'll do it, I won't think twice about it. When I've dated short women with dark brown hair and they told me to get a better job, I went and got a better job. When they said, "Lets get a place to live and pay rent and everything," I went and did it, filled out the papers and everything. I've done many things just because a short woman with dark brown hair told me to. So I know like I know 1 + 1 is 2, but I don't believe it is 2.
I feel really useless.
I don't like that feeling at all, I think people would rather feel stupid than useless.
For some reason when a short brown haired girl goes, "Noah fucking do this." I feel really useful.
It is like an injection of usefulness.
It is strange, I can see the shadows of the form, how I am working within the shadows, the outlines are there, but I'm working with them choosing.
But I don't think I can change those shadows:
It is like, I don't think men or women are born homosexual, I think everyone learns a certain personality when they are little, and that personality either likes boys or girls. But i think sexuality is more in the percentages: Like I would say I'm 85 percent straight, I don't think anyone is fully 100% straight.
But someone going, "Homosexuals have a choice, they can change."
I don't think a person can exactly reverse a choice that was made before the age of five, a choice made during a period of their life that they can't remember.
WAIT HOLD ON:
Okay, this is it:
Now, all of us aren't attracted to everybody:
There are certain hair colors, facial features that we are sexually indifferent to: there are hair colors, body shapes, facial features that repulse us:
There are certain behaviors, like loudness, excessive talking, being quiet, being violent, overreacting all the time, passive aggressiveness, etc that we might be indifferent to, or might repulse us:
Okay maybe it is this:
During the first five years:
These personality traits and behavior traits line into one physical and mental form, and we go chasing after this shadow for the rest of our lives:
We can work within this form, and this form most likely doesn't bring happiness, but it is the delusion, that we want to fuck and make us feel useful and safe.
Now back to homosexuality: Homosexuals have individual tastes, like straight people they get drunk and get some, but they "fall in love" with a certain type.
Now asking a homosexual to change would be like asking me to not desire short brown haired women anymore,
well I fucking can't:
Evangeline Lilly from the hit television show LOST is a really good example:
To make it weirder though:
I never masturbate to women that look like that: