Thursday, September 13, 2007

I Took my Penis to the Hospital

For the last four days I've been peeing once an hour.

Then it started to burn a little bit.

Everyone told me it was an urinary infection and that I need to drink cranberry juice.

I called the Youngstown Health Clinic and asked for an appointment, she said I couldn't get one till October. (I wanted to go to the Youngstown Clinic because my doctor there is a hot Asian chick, and I really wanted to show her my penis. It was a real let down that they wouldn't take me.)

So I called Planned Parenthood and they said they can't get me in for a week, and asked what was wrong, I said urinary infection, the woman said go to a hospital right now before I start peeing blood and get a kidney infection, which is worse than an urinary infection.

I go to the hospital in the Jetta: The Jetta has three horrible noises coming from it, it sounds like it is rumbling, like you have put a playing card up to an electric fan, and one of the break pads is fucked, so there is this massive sound of metal grinding when stopping.

I get to St. Elizabeth's Care Center where I was born.

It is 1:30pm.

I sit down reading Ancient Evenings by Norman Mailer.

There is a fight scene in the book between Horus and Set, Set gets a boner and shows it to the audience and fucks Horus, Horus gets mad and does something to Set's balls, then they turn into bears and fight. (Ancient Evenings Amazon ranking at this moment #1,028,510)

A really dark black man who looked like hell said to a white man that looked like hell, "There's a war right here, there's a war right here man."

The white man said, "I believe ya."

Then one fucked up black dude said to a really quiet sad black dude, "I got 300 dollars in the bank nigger, how much you got in the bank nigger, you ain't got shit in the bank nigger, right, like if I wanted, I go could go to the bank right now nigger, and get out some money nigger."

I think both of them lived in a halfway house.

A nurse made me pee in a little cup, it was a dark yellow.

They sent me to another place, and made me sit on a chair while everybody else got beds.

There was a homosexual white male nurse that was a lot more attractive than me walking around helping people in a really impersonal way. I didn't like he was so much attractive than me, it hurt my self-esteem.

We had the same shoes on, except his are white and mine are black.

The doctor came (The doctor was a white man with a beard with a white collar accent. He looked disheveled)

"We are going to treat you for an urinary infection."

I looked at my shoes.

"Do you have health care?"


"You should call the white house and tell them to stop spending money on bombs-"

"I make 600 a month, HCAP will pay for it," in a sad my penis burns voice.

The doctor looks at me like I am fucked and pats my shoulders.

The doctor walks away.

I don't see the doctor again.

The gay nurse that makes me hate myself shoved a needle in my ass.

The shit they shot in my ass made my ass feel really weird, it wasn't like pain, something else, I said right after he did, "Dude, that hurts, it feels so silly."

He didn't respond, kept being formal and more attractive than me and walked away.

It was 5:15PM when I was finally released.

HCAP took care of the bill.

I called work and they said I could be late.

I was.

Bernice was nice and drove me, before I got out the car I said, "Should I tell them what I was there for?"

"No, you better think of something that doesn't involve your genitals."

"No, I think I will, I kind of like mentioning my penis to people."

I went inside the building where I work, Jamie (A very attractive young lady who is a cheerleader and very charming) the host that took the call said, "What were you there for?"

"An urinary infection."

She looked at me and sexually said, "Does it hurt?"


A shit-eating-grin came over her face and she walked away.


M.S. said...

Sorry to hear about your penis, dude.

Tao Lin said...


xtx said...

it would've been cool if they gave your penis a little gown with the open back so its balls were hanging out.

Anonymous said...

oh, man, urinary tract infections are the worst. I feel for you.

There's these pills called AZO that you can get at wal-mart that will help the pain, too, and drinking a shitload of water and cranberry juice really does help. But then, I'm not a doctor or a nurse. Especially not a hot or male one.

Anonymous said...

I remember that scene from Ancient Evenings! Beth who lived across the street, and used to fuck my brother while my sister-in-law was spraying salad greens at Pathmark, gave me her copy to keep me out of their way while they were fucking. And it really turned me on. Sex between gods is HOT! Especially when it's like pro-wrestling! But then the brother-sister sex was pretty hot in that book too. Norman is a dirty ole favorite kind!

Anonymous said...

So I make about $120k a yr. My co-pay for the same problem was $80 bucks last year. I hear my well to do republican friends (I'm an anarchist) complain about all the free services the poor get. They would complain about their $80 co-pay while you got your penis treated for free. Listen, I ain't complaining. We have our slice of the pie. If I could just get our stupid government to use all the taxes I pay to help guys like you fix their penises instead of giving it to Haliburton to build sewer systems that don't treat shit like it outa be treated, then we'd have a better world. Until then, the penis treatment is on the house and God Bless America.

Zachary German said...

sounds like you've got a case of the blues

jereme said...

An anarchist who wishes the government would spend their money more wisely.

Hahaha. That's funnier than what noah wrote.

Kendra Grant Malone said...

im glad you went to the hospital after all.

somebody said...

























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