Thursday, March 29, 2007

Why i did not finish college

My brothers both graduated college.

I think they graduated with business degrees with accounting minors.

So I have no excuse.

I went to college for two years, I was a political science major in those two years. I had no intention of ever being an English major and i went back I still wouldn't be an English major.

The second semester of going to school i got really stressed out and wouldn't leave the house except to go to school. I kept freaking out, and got really depressed and was sent to a mental ward for a week.

I did good for another semester, and then the next semester I freaked out again and hid in New York City incognito sleeping in my car for several days and didn't return back to school that semester.

Then I tried to get help from the BVR, i can't remember what it stands for, but it helps people with disabilities to go to school for free and helps them get through school or something. I was going to get help because of my mental illness. But I was in the upswing of a bipolar attack and drove to Oregon to sleep in a hotel and fuck whores, and when they called I didn't care, but I don't know, when I'm really up and flying, i don't care about anything, and told them i didn't care.

So i missed my chance.

Then I stopped talking to my parents and lost all my chances at free money as a way to support myself.

So I just lived in Bernice's house reading books and going to work and writing books and getting weirder.

But I want to say this, and it must be understood.

While I am washing dishes or delivering pizzas it does not occur that anything is miserable about it. I like talking to the young females and looking at their asses, and I like the simplicity of the job, etc.

Like if I'm just walking around in Youngstown, i feel fine.

It only feels somewhat miserable when i see Dennis Cooper or Ned Vizzini two people who are considered good writers with books in stores, etc are talking about me in good terms. Then I feel like, "Why am I a poor dishwasher? What the hell is wrong with me."

Concerning though the idea that a writer does not need to suffer somewhat, i think is untrue.

All great writers have suffered in someway.

Suffering teaches the human to attack, to think harder, to strive more, to work more than the average person. It gives a person a feeling of desperation that is needed to make great art.

44 comments:

Anonymous said...

Sometimes a college education is overrated. I used to work with all college graduates at my job. They earned about 14 bucks. i was getting a bit less. When we get laid off, it didn't matter who had the politcal science degree or was the college drop out. They laid us off all equally, in a conference room with no windows, and a voice on speaker, that sounded not too much like the voice of god...talking about our measly severence. This happened tuesday.

Fawzy

adam said...

Fawzy:

Sometimes it is, yeah. I've had enough experience teaching people various subjects in and out of classrooms (3 1/2 years of working for AmeriCorps and the YWCA) that I should be able to teach just on my prior experience. But No Cash-Poor School Left Unscrewed (excuse me, No Child Left Behind) is requiring a master's degree for new high school teachers in Cali., where I want to teach for a little while.

I don't mind being in college, and I'll do what I want to eventually, but for now this sucks. The really sick thing is that I'll probably have to teach kids to take standardized tests. But that's a rant for somewhere else.

MadisonGlass said...

You're full of shit. Suffer to become a better writer. Great Idea. Everyone suffers. Life is suffering etc. I dropped out of college too, freaking out to the point of making myself physically ill. I was given a medical discharge from the University. I was bedridden for six months. But I kept taking the money. And then I went back to school. And I think school was good. I want to go back to school again.

And that chemical imbalance thing. You'll have to explain that better. It sounds like your saying that everyone with biological mental disorders really just hate their parents. And I can't imagine you would actually believe that.

Anonymous said...

I was the guy that said to go back to college and that you don't need to suffer.

I don't know about you folks, but college is a great time...

And about writing and suffering: Like Madison said, if you've lived for more than a couple of years, you have suffered plenty.

Thank whole Bukowski mentality really doesn't sit well with me. People write well because they have talent and they develop it. Bums can have talent, Ivy League grad can have it, housewives, anyone.

adam said...

College isn't the same for everyone. It involves more work and resulting stress for some people depending on how much or little money their family has, where they're going to school, having a kid or other family members to take care of, or just plain stupid luck or some other factor. It can be fun, but it's not designed to be-- it's designed to make the distinction in society between those who "should" have high-paying jobs and those who "shouldn't."

(I'm using quotes because the standard's fucked up. You know people going to school purely because they're lucky enough to have the money to go to a diploma mill. The US is run by a few people like that-- the alcoholics and crack heads I ride the bus to school with every day could do a better job running the country than they could.)

Anonymous said...

I swear I thought I would never make it thorugh university....However..I did...in just about the hardest major you could...Chemical Physics..I am proud of what I achieved....it took god damn all nighters to stay and finish labs for me....sometimes I would be up there for 2 or 3 nights at a time sleeping in the common room doing homeowork or labs or studying to get enough to finish my degree...it was hell...but Im so happy I did it....YOU can do it too!!!!!

Anonymous said...

The comments surely made me laugh. So...some people think he was asking you for advice on whether or not to go back to college? Really? That's funny. Maybe he could study chemical physics

Anonymous said...

I sometimes feel real bad about not finishing college. I don't what happened no guidance, so support, I tried to but I made many careless mistakes. My 20s was a disaster. I got married, went to the Navy, got kicked out seperated from my wife. I am still trying to get my life together. Still going through the storms of life. Most of it was my fault. Call it ignorance.

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Anonymous said...

I didn't finish college and yes, sadly i do regret it in some aspects, but in this economy i don't really think it would have mattered too much with a political science degree. After high school I enlisted into the Navy (1998) and progressed well and after 3 and a half years was an e-5. I was honorably discharged in 2002 and enrolled at Appalachian State U the following fall. Upon starting college i was introduced to the party culture and atmosphere on campus and was readily accepting of this new life, however in retrospect, it was this new-found freedom after being in the Navy for 4 years that would be my ruin...i started partying too much and ultimately was on probation and then withdrew from classes. My twenties were a disaster as well, drugs, living a nomadic, anarchistic lifestyle, playing in bands, etc...was it fun? hell yeah. But am i paying the price now with no degree? of course i am and you never want that to hang over your head that you didn't finish college but it is a fate that befalls the best of us sometimes.

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Anonymous said...

Looking at asses and delivering pizza doesn't sound like much suffering to me, unless you ain't getting any and the pizza sucks. The only reason I'm posting is because I got kicked out of a great college... was supposed to be a millionaire by 25.... but now since I have suffered and all I'm set to be a millionaire and happy, I realize I didn't have to get a degree to get life. I was who I was before I got there.

Anonymous said...

Forgot to say....getting fucked up and fucking off is something most real contributers to the common growth of society have to do...it's more about keeping your sanity going thru the shit...but make sure you go thru it and don't stay in it..life is all the better when you done it all and ain't scared of fucking up life and love no more...then you really living...ONE LOVE

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